It has been a year since I lost my job, and I still have not been hired anywhere. I didn’t even get hired for the Oregon State Fair, and they hire the dumbest high school kids and most toothless meth heads on the planet. One of my friends even told me he saw a homeless guy he knows working there. Really? Really, fair? You’re going to rub unemployment in my face like Daniel Plainview rubbed Eli Sunday’s face in a puddle of muddy oil?
“I’m going to bury you underground.”
Well fuck you, Oregon State Fair. And fuck you, the other 20+ jobs I have applied for during the past few months. This is my real résumé. This is the one I would write if I didn’t have to “sell myself” to the bottomless pit of food service or the drooling maw of mediocrity that is the office world.
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Work Experience:
A Well Known Local Grocery Store: 09/2004 – 03/2009
Courtesy/Produce/Catering/Meat/Floral dept.
Job Duties — bagging groceries, talking about the weather, wearing a stupid bow tie, staring at tits, putting fruits and vegetables on shelves, chasing robbers, serving food, drawing penises on things that people wouldn’t notice for months, weighing stuff, delivering flowers to lonely housewives, silently judging people.
When it comes to jobs, they say it’s better to start at the bottom of a ladder you’d like to climb than the middle of a ladder you don’t want to climb. Well I spent almost 5 years working on the bottom fucking rung of a ladder that I wanted to break and use as firewood. That would have been a better use for that ladder. At least then I would have something to show for my time there other than the 400 pens I “accidentally” stole.
Here are some interesting things I learned while I was employed there:
- The customer is not always right. In fact, the customer is almost always wrong and a moron.
- Bottle recycling rooms are the most disgusting places ever.
- Homeless people will accept Goldfish crackers as a form of currency when you try to bribe them to get the fuck off the property.
- You know that thing you hear about sometimes? How crazy people think their shit is supposed to go on the bathroom walls instead of inside the toilet? That actually happens.
- Blatant sexism is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, it is to be celebrated and practiced on a daily basis.
- It does not pay to try hide the fact that you are a stripper on your days off from work. Everyone will find out.
- People will take it up the ass for a job that doesn’t really pay well, at a company that doesn’t really value its employees WAY more willingly than I would have initially expected.
- MILFs are everywhere
- [name redacted] is an old pervert and likes to hit on 16 year old girls.
- Trying to catch a lime that someone tossed in the air, while they are in mid swing with a knife in an attempt to cut it in half like a samurai, will end terribly. There will be lots of blood, and the loss of function in one of your fingers.
As I said, these are just a few of the things I learned there. I would be happy to elaborate on these and many more if granted an interview.
Education:
Chemeketa Community College: 2005-2007
Just writing the name of that place caused a small part of my soul to die. I attended on and off for 2 years, but felt like committing public seppuku in the commons every day that I went there. The joke about community college being high school with ashtrays is 100% correct. It was the most depressing place on earth. Seriously, I’d rather walk unarmed into the middle of Darfur wearing a t-shirt that says “HUMAN RIGHTS ROCK!” than spend another second at Chemeketa. At least then I would avoid the mutant strain of herpes simplex 2 that can be contracted if one is exposed to the “mentally special” level of discourse that takes place in some of the classes (I’m looking at you Philosophy).
West Salem High School: 2002-2005
I spent most of my time in high school listening to music, watching movies, doing well on tests, but not doing my homework. Which may not have been the best decision, but who cares. Homework is dumb (evidence?).
I wrote for the school newspaper, which was sort of fun because I like writing, but I was just a lowly reporter and that sucks. Aside from how shitty I imagine writing legal documents is, straight journalism is the most boring thing on the planet.
Blanchet Catholic School: 1999-2002
My only real achievement there was for a movie my friends and I made in our Spanish 2 class during my freshman year called Mis Albóndigas Son En Fuego (note the incorrect grammar of “son” instead of “estan” which was an accident at first, but then we left it like that on purpose because it was way more funny), which means “My Meatballs Are On Fire”. Unfortunately I no longer have a copy of it, so imagine 25 minutes of 14-year-olds swearing in Spanish and pretending to shoot each other; cops, drug cartels, betrayal. That somehow earned us an ‘A’ and a sweet trophy declaring it the “Mejor Película” (Best Picture) in a class film festival. How this was allowed to happen at a private Catholic school, I will never know.
Other experience, certifications, and volunteer work:
- Saved a foreign state from regime change multiple times by a war criminal who keeps kidnapping the same princess, with only a sword and shield while wearing a green hat and tights.
- Led a wagon party from Independence Missouri to the Willamette Valley, and didn’t die of dysentery.
- Been the subject of multiple scientific experiments including prolonged exposure to Mako Energy and genetic modification in order to become an elite soldier.
- Expert martial artist proficient in many styles including Mixed Martial Arts for which I hold a championship title for the 155 lb weight class, and…death fighting(?) for which I have pioneered new advances in cell regeneration due to the massive blood loss and limb severance inherent to tournament competition.
- Assisted the Catholic Church in exorcising a tainted cathedral.
- Expert in the procuring and operation of various motor vehicles including cars and motorcycles, as well as aircraft, tanks, and nautical transportation.
- Has experience and proficiency with hundreds of firearms including experimental prototypes such as the Moonraker Laser, Zero-Point Energy Field Manipulator, Aperture Science Handheld Portal Divice as well as Plasmids.
- Master trainer, breeder, and fighter of both common and rare animals. But ONLY in states that have organized league commissions such as Kanto, Johto, Sinnoh, and Hoenn. (no Michael Vick jokes please)
- Class C driver’s license, no endorsements
- Food Handler’s card
Computer Skills:
- Fast typing speed
- Operating Systems: Windows 9x, Windows XP, Windows Vista, Windows 7, Mac OS X
- Creative Software: Adobe Photoshop, Apple GarageBand, Final Cut Pro
- Office Package: Microsoft Word, Microsoft Excel, Microsoft Access, Microsoft PowerPoint
- Proficiency with web publishing software
- Extensive internet porn experience
Cover Letter:
I believe in America. America has made my fortune. And I raised my daughter in the American fashion. I gave her freedom but I taught her never to dishonor her family…
…OK, so maybe that first part was from The Godfather and doesn’t apply to anything, but as far as opening lines go, you can’t do much better. Let’s be real now.
The founder of the grocery store where I used to work always said “I’m not in the grocery business, I’m in the people business”. But working there I felt that that wisdom really only applied to the customer side of the equation. I feel like the key to having loyal employees is to be loyal to them. If you treat your employees with decency and respect, and not like complete shit with no value, they will want to work with you as opposed to just needing to. Which doesn’t seem like a hard concept to grasp, but I see it everywhere all the time.
You may be the director, but we are the ones operating the cameras and playing the parts on stage. We are your eyes and ears, your arms and your legs. We are the ones that get things done, and if we don’t give a shit past “I do this because I have to pay rent”, then nobody really benefits. Not you, because you have to spend time and energy hiring and training replacements, as well as all the micromanaging bullshit; not the customer, because they aren’t getting the goods or services that they deserve and are paying for; and not the employee, because they’re just working hard enough to not get fired and making just enough money to not quit.
Look at two of the most successful companies right now: Google and Apple. Have you seen those guys? They look like they’re having fucking fun. They are truly awesome in the things they make and the people that make them. Now more than ever it is easy to see what works and what doesn’t. And while they may be gigantic technology companies, the same principles can apply to anybody. And it needs to. Because for every business that eats shit during “these troubled times”, there will be another one waiting in the corner, gloves laced up and ready to go, that will be willing to step into the ring and fight a better fight. And they will knock you the fuck out.
I feel like I can help be a part of that awesomeness that, in the end, will benefit everyone. Whatever it is that you need me to do (preferably something where I can be creative) I can learn it and do it.
That about covers it. If you like this and think I would work well as your employee, then hire me. If not, then suck my D. I don’t really like being 23 and living in a closet in my parents’ basement, but I will for as long as I have to. And any opportunity to make something of myself I will gladly take. Just give me a fucking chance.
Sincerely,
Your mom