StrangeCastle No.001 ~ 100805

We here at The Boo Box are pleased to bring you a new feature: StrangeCastle.

Every week, I come across many articles, pictures, videos, and other assorted things from all corners of the internet.  I always want to share those things with people, but I’ve never thought about doing it here.  Also I’m lazy.  So every week (or more, or less) I will be posting a few of those things, assorted loose ends, in one post.

The name StrangeCastle comes from a guy who is a friend of some friends, who I’ve never actually met, who used to write a blog a few years ago that was one of the funniest I’ve ever read, and was one of the handful of sites that inspired me to start one of my own.  StrangeCastle the website is unfortunately no longer around, I needed a name for this feature, and it seemed to fit.  So if someone sees this and accuses me of “bitin’ someone elses beats”, or if I come up with another name later, then I guess I’ll change it. But I’m not trying to act like I made it up. Credit where credit is due?

Without further ado…

Pics – SHARK WEEEEEEEK!
adkfjakjfas;fha;es

oil spill

meow

“Excuse Me, Sharks” are the LOLcats of 2010

sharktopus

* * *

Video

* * *

Links
Here’s how that suitcase device/drug thing works from Inception

Ghosts of New Amsterdam risin’ up out of this bitch in 2010

This is a gun. And a puzzle. But mostly a gun.

You stare at boobs, you live longer. Science, bitch.

Spray paint is so 2004.  People knit graffiti now.

* * *

Sexy Ladiez {which may or may not be “safe for work”}
We will start with the tame and the obvious: Zooey

~fin

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The Great Spider War of 2010

The war has begun.

It is no secret that spiders and I have a bit of a history.  But they just straight up made this shit personal.  They have snuck up on me before, but never like this.  This is something different.  Something new.  Never have I been mocked so outright, laughed at so terribly in my own face.

Let me try to explain…

I was sitting at home on Friday evening, chilling, like I usually do.  Munching on some pizza and sippin’ on a crisp Diet Shasta Cola, like a true gentleman would.  All of a sudden, I have to go pee.  So I get up and go to the bathroom.  I take the pants down all the way to the floor like a 5 year old, because nobody’s around to see me or anything and because it’s funny to do that sometimes.  I take a leak and damn it feels so refreshing to let it out like that.  After I’m done, I turn around to wash my hands because I’m not one of those sickos who doesn’t wash my hands.  As soon as I’m done with that, I turn again to check my sexy self out in the mirror when I see it.

I don’t know how long he had been there.  It could have been a few seconds, maybe hours.  Hours of observing me with terrible grin on its face, knowing that the time was near.  But not more than 2 inches away from my face, was a fucking spider just chilling on the goddamn collar of my shirt.

There was a single frozen second.  The kind that seems to stretch for an eternity, where it doesn’t seem possible for so many things to run through your mind, but they do.  Like a dream.  When the meaning of everything comes into stark focus.  The message was clear:

“You are not safe.  I could have killed you at any moment, but I wanted you to see me. I wanted you to truly know just how far we are willing to take this war this year.  You killed my father and my grandfather and left their mangled corpses in the open for us to see.  Our mothers and sisters wept, but now I am here, sitting on the collar of your shirt while you stand there with your pants around your ankles, helpless.  And this is only the beginning.”

In that same second, I saw my own eyes staring back at me through the mirror.  I saw them get wide and my face contort into a sick expression of fear and panic.  Then I let out a sound that I can only imagine sounded like a retarded deaf person being kicked in the balls.

“DZZZEH!”

A cold chill shot up my spine and my face when white.  I reeled my head back to get as far away as possible, but realized the futility of that maneuver when my shirt collar and spider moved along with me.  There was no escape.  My next reaction was to tear my shirt off, but as soon as I grabbed the first button, I realized that too much movement might make this asshole move.  I only had one choice.  I had to touch the spider with my bare hands.  If I hesitated, he could strike me with a death blow to my exposed neck.  I had to be quick.

I gathered my wits, pulled back my arm, and swiped.  The heavy blow from my human arm hit him like a sledgehammer.  He flew against the wall and bounced onto the floor, dazed.  He wiggled around on the ground for a second before becoming still.  The fear that I had felt only one second before was now transfered to him and I could see it in his eyes as he stared up at me weakly from the cold linoleum floor.

At that moment, he realized the truth:  That no matter how well he snuck up on me or how many times he could bite me, at the end of the day, I am a human being and I am a million times faster and stronger than a spider.  That his father and grandfather had died in vain.  That this isn’t like the movies where the underdog rebels defeat the powerful empire.  That it will be I who wins this war.

He looked up at me wearily and tried to run, but his body wouldn’t carry him.  He was already too weak.  Then he stopped and looked up again, just in time to see my foot flying down at him at an incredible velocity.  He didn’t even have time to have his life and regrets flash before his eyes before it was over.  I hovered over him for a second and brought my face close to his to watch the life drain from his limbs.  It may seem cruel, but the circumstances called for it.  If the rules that he followed brought him to this, then of what use were those rules? He brought this on himself, and you can’t stop what’s coming.

There is no doubt that his brethren assumed the worst when he didn’t return.  And while I hope they learn not to fuck with me, I cannot be sure.  This event jarred me more than anything I care to admit.  After it happened I retreated to my chair and brought my knees up to my chest and turned off all but a single lamp light.  I sat there for hours rocking back and forth, a cold chill running though my bones, eyes crazy, looking at the edges of light for another attack.  There are not rules or limits anymore.  This battle for my home and livelihood is to the death.  I can only pray that whatever God exists in the vastness of the universe is on my side, and in my most desperate hour, will lend a foot to curb-stomp these fuckers to hell once and for all.

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SYBER FORCE No.012: Handsome Fighters

never lose a battle

This is true. I know from experience.

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FoodBlog #9: Now I’m Deaf

It has become popular in the past couple of years to become more “green”, that is, to keep the environment in mind when you throw your daily refuse away.  There are all kinds of different snacks out there, and unfortunately many of them come in plastic mylar bags that end up sitting in landfills and on top of pelicans’ heads forever because they don’t agree with the natural order of things.

But there’s one company that is forward thinking enough to consider the pelicans.  And that is when I discovered this bag in my pantry.

Garden Salsa Sun Chips

Showboating about having the world’s first 100% compostable bag is cool and all (and you are showboating when you take up 1/3 of the fucking bag to tell me that this shit is going to melt back into the earth from whence it came), but the one thing they don’t tell us is that by creating this bag, they also violated every single noise ordinance on record.

This bag is goddamn loud.

Gone are the late nights of tip-toeing to the pantry to sneak a little “healthy” snack while everyone else sleeps.  You will now wake up entire neighborhoods as soon as you lay a finger on this bag.

Seriously, go to the store real quick and just poke a finger at it.  Do it gently though because you will be so surprised by the whip-crack in your ears that you might faint or something.

I even used this bag instead of fireworks on the 4th of July this year because I’m poor.  I just held it up in the air and crinkled it and waved it around.  The neighbors who were shooting off m-80s even called the cops on me, it was so loud.  Then when the cops showed up, I fucking crushed the bag and stomped on it and they fell down with their ears bleeding as I ran away.  It was the best 4th of July ever.

Oh, and the chips are pretty good too.

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The Coruscant Commission – Episode III: Rise of the Empire

[audio accompaniment]

Third Entry – Year 33 ABY:5:9
From Hoth to Dantooine, I have rifled through countless documents and watched countless hours of film with the hope of piecing together this vast puzzle I lay before you now.  I cannot say that this information is definitive, but merely the best picture I could conjure up through research, reason, and my limited knowledge of The Force.
This will be a long entry, but entirely necessary.  Let me begin…

Star Wars: A New Hope was not always the classic movie that we see it as today.  At the time of its release it was just a relatively low budget sci-fi movie, a genre of film that was not taken very seriously in 1977 (2001: A Space Odyssey being the only real exception).  Many of the people who worked on it didn’t take it very seriously and saw it as a goofy kid’s movie, so the fact that it was a massive success was a surprise to everyone.  Including George Lucas.

In the DVD commentary of Hope, Lucas says that the genesis of Star Wars was when he first watched Akira Kurosawa’s films (Seven Samurai, Yojimbo, and especially The Hidden Fortress) in college, and mentions that because he didn’t know anything about Japanese culture when watching them, he almost felt overwhelmed by this foreign world that was never really explained within the movie while all of the action took place (and it didn’t need to be since the Japanese audience would already be familiar with it).  This was a feeling he wanted to recreate for Star Wars and that is exactly what he did.

It’s hard to feel this effect anymore.  Star Wars has since become so ingrained within our popular culture, that everything from Yoda to the Death Star to lightsabers are familiar to almost everybody before even watching the films.  But it wasn’t always this way.  People look at Hope now as being sort of quaint compared to the sequels.  If you see it in the light in which it was created though, it was entirely necessary that it was made that way to establish the universe, characters, and some of the ideas that they focus on in later movies.

As we all know now, the original film was written and directed by George Lucas himself.  It is no secret that George has a hard time working with actors on a set (he prefers animation because nobody can argue or cause any drama), and he has mentioned in various interviews that he doesn’t really enjoy the writing process either.  So by the time pre-production on The Empire Strikes Back began, he wanted to take more of a hands off approach to the filming.  So while he stayed in California to oversee the building of Skywalker Ranch and the Lucasfilm company, he employed others to handle the majority of the creative descisions for Empire.

This is where things get really interesting.
At one point during my research, I asked myself:  Why it is that The Empire Strikes Back is so much better than the other films?

After reading through many documents and watching many holodiscs worth of footage, I came up with a list of the names of 3 men.  Their combined involvement in Empire is among one of the most important observations of my investigation.  They are as follows:

Gary Kurtz, Lawrence Kasdan, and Irvin Kershner.

I have come to the conclusion that it is because of this perfect combination that Empire is so good.  Two of them, Gary Kurtz and Lawrence Kasdan had a hand in 2 of the 3 originals (Kurtz in 4-5 and Kasdan in 5-6), while Kershner was only involved in Empire.  I will now address each of these men individually.

Gary Kurtz: He was the producer of both Hope and Empire.  Many people believe that he is responsible for keeping things reasonable in those first two movies, such as making The Force more mystical than scientific and being anti-Ewoks (which some believe is among the reasons he quit/was fired from Return of the Jedi before it began production).  Also, he claims that after Raiders of the Lost Ark came out in 1981 (which Lucas made with Steven Spielberg), that George became convinced that people didn’t care about story, and were only interested in thrills and spectacle.  A very important thing to consider when looking at the Prequels.  It is also worth noting that after leaving the Star Wars saga, Kurtz went on to produce The Dark Crystal and Return to OZ.  Both of which contain strong mystical elements within their stories.

Lawrence Kasdan: Writer of the final script of Empire. After A New Hope was released, George Lucas knew he didn’t want nearly as much involvement in the sequel, so he handed this off writing duties to a writer named Leigh Brackett.  When he got the script back though, he didn’t like it much and, unfortunately, Brackett died shortly after of ovarian cancer, so he gave the script to a writer named Lawrence Kasdan (who also co-wrote Raiders of the Lost Ark and has been nominated for Oscars for other scripts he has written and directed).  By all accounts, Kasdan basically re-wrote the entire movie, developing the characters from the first film and giving depth to the story (Lucas definitely had a hand in guiding the overall story, but most of the specific plot points and character development can be credited to Kasdan).  Lucas liked his version of the script and went on to hire…

Irvin Kershner: who directed The Empire Strikes Back.  Irvin Kershner is an interesting character.  If you should ever get the chance, I recommend listening to the audio commentary on the Empire Strikes Back DVD.  He is essentially the real life version of Yoda.  One moment making lame old-man jokes and laughing hysterically.  The next, offering some profound insight about the importance of story and character in a film. While Kurtz oversaw the production and Kasdan wrote it, Kershner added some of the more humorous dialogue to the film.  He felt that since the overall film was darker and more serious than the first, it needed a certain level of light-heartedness to balance it out.  At the same time, he didn’t want to resort to slapstick physical humor to get this across because it would distract from the gravity of the plot.  This is a tightrope he navigated expertly.  He kept the movie simple while keeping it interesting.

These three men.  They are the primary elements that made Empire Strikes Back such an incredible movie.  Of course, none of it would have been possible without George Lucas either, but based on the audio commentaries (and an article in the May edition of Entertainment Weekly celebrating the 30th anniversary of Empire), George only visited the set a couple of times and was very hands-off for the entire production.

So what happened after that?  Many people view Return of the Jedi as equal to Empire. But look closely.  Watch it again.  Look at how much of it is filler material, and how certain characters seem to not develop any further. Let The Force guide you, and search your feelings.  They do you credit, but they could be made to serve the Emperor.

TK-421

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