I need a girlfriend. It is as simple as that. I don’t mean need as in “Wah I’m so emo and I need somebody to love me otherwise I’m not worth anything”. I’m emotionally stable enough to be comfortable being single and don’t need to always have other people around for validation. I mean “need” in that it would just be good for me. Like vegetables…except vegetables are fucking gross and girls aren’t. They are the opposite. Like candy. Sexy candy. And that sounds good to me right now.
I guess I should start by saying that I’m not looking for a really serious relationship from the get-go. Like I said before, I like myself and think I am sexy enough by myself that I don’t need a serious girlfriend. But I would greatly enjoy the company of a lady to hang out with from time to time so I don’t always have to be like Aragorn at the beginning of Lord of the Rings and sit alone in dark corners of restaurants making people uncomfortable by staring at them. And then they get more scared when I go up to them and ask “Are you frightened” and they say “Yes” and then I say “Not nearly frightened enough. I know what haunts you”. Then they back away slowly and ask “What do you want?” and I say “A little more caution from you, that is no trinket you carry! To disappear completely, that is a rare gift!” and they disappear completely by running away.
Ok, that’s enough of that nonsense. It’s business time.
Answer the questions as best you can and elaborate a little bit. Don’t just give the bare minimum. If this was school, you would get a C or a B- at best if you did that, and you don’t want your mom to yell at you for getting bad grades, so put a little effort into your answers.
1. Name:
2. Age:
3. Sex:
-Dame (yes)
-Dude (no)
4. Were you in the movie Jurassic Park?
-If yes: you win!
-If no: keep going!
5. If you had to pick a theme song for yourself, what would it be and why?
I like porn. I figure I had better be honest about this now so you don’t freak out when you walk in on me in the middle of reorganizing my porn folder according to titty size. I will never stop feeling joy from watching people get into ridiculous situations and then all of a sudden having sex, so you will either have to pretend to be OK with it or enjoy it right along with me, because I do not feel ashamed for being such a pervert fancy gentleman.
6. What are your feelings on porn?
7. Do you enjoy country music?
-If you answer “yes”: Sorry, you lose. Why? Because fuck country music, that’s why.
8. What does your belly-button taste like?
Matt Damon was voted Sexiest Man of 2007. My friend’s sister tells me that I look kind of like Matt Damon. Therefore, I somewhat resemble the sexiest man alive, which I would imagine puts me up there pretty high in sexiness. Sure, I may not be a famous actor, but I do a pretty good impression of Jason Borne which involves me swiftly disarming whatever weapon you have, punching you in the head a bunch of times, spying on you through the scope of a sniper rifle, and then yelling at you to tell me who the fuck I am from an untraceable phone.
Don’t like Matt Damon you say? You’re a lesbian you say? Well also I have had 3 separate chicks tell me that I would be very pretty if I was a girl. So even if you’re a hot lesbian, you are still eligible to be my girlfriend! All you have to do is squint your eyes really hard when you look at me and I might almost look like the hottest lady you have ever seen.
9. When you play “The Sims”, does your husband look like me?
10. What is the weirdest thing about you?
11. What is your favorite movie and why?
12. What do you want to do when you grow up? (a.k.a. What do you want to do with your life in terms of school, work, travel, etc.)
I almost never give people presents. It is something I’m working on getting better at since apparently people like getting shit from other people, but I prefer to give people presence. MY presence. It is a blessing that a few lucky people get to experience regularly…unless I am in a bad mood which is only like 2 days a month. That’s pretty good compared to the at least a week per month for you ladies when you do that thing with your vaginas and the blood and whatnot. Speaking of which, I don’t really want to hear about that.
13. Are you OK with pretending that doesn’t happen?
14. Same with pooping?
Actually, knowing that girls poop and fart doesn’t bother me that much. In fact it’s kind of cute. Maybe that makes me weird, but let it be known that if you take this too far, I will retaliate. And trust me when I say it will not be over quickly. You will not enjoy it. I am not your king.
15. What is your most defining feature or characteristic?
16. What will we do on our first date?
17. Are LOLCATS funny?
-This isn’t a trick question. Answer honestly
18. Do you have a rash that you don’t tell anyone about?
19. Remember that one time?
Another thing I need to admit is that I am terrible when it comes to cleaning my room/doing laundry. So when you come over to my house, you might have to sometimes help me do laundry or clean my room…or just do all of it. It’s true. I need help. I need you babe. You are my everything…Just kidding, but it’s not like you won’t be getting anything out of it as you will be subjected to my sweet charm (and penis) the entire time of course.
20. What do you find most attractive about me?
Well, that’s all the questions I can think of right now. If you can think of anything else you would like to add about yourself, feel free to add it to the application and send it with the rest of the questions as a comment. If you want to have a secret and forbidden relationship or are ashamed of wanting to go out with me and do not want your friends and family to know, send it to me secretly by e-mail at Vampilehunter@gmail.com. Or just drop it by my house yourself if you’re weird and know where I live. But if you do that, bring snacks too. Food is another good way to win my heart.
If you thought this was/I am funny, then we will at least have that in common and you are probably eligible…Also if you have eyes a nose and a mouth, we will have that in common too.
Bye! Thanks for stopping by!
p.s. — no fatties