{Updated 1-20-2012}
So back in July, I lost the job that had afforded me all kinds of independence a mere 2 weeks after moving into my own apartment. The next 4 months consisted of scrambling for money, drinking during all hours of the day, letting my hair grow long, and playing videogames to escape real life. Meanwhile, on Facebook, I kept track of this progress. Or lack thereof. Here are those updates. I just sort of got a job, but I’m also moving back home, so it kind of doesn’t count, so there are Re-Employment updates as well. They may continue and I’ll update this as necessary.
At least 20 people during this time told me in real life how much they like these, some asking where I got them from, acting surprised when I say “my brain”. And I’ve told various people that if someone would pay me to stay “unemployed” and write entertaining shit all day, I would do it. In fact, that’s all I really want to do in life. So without further ado…
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7/13/2011
Unemployment 2: The Reckoning
Day 2 of unemployment: Little Jacob and I tried to buy some weed, but these guys fucked us over. So we went to the dealer’s house and murdered everybody.
Unemployment Day 5: watching Surf Ninjas…twice.
Unemployment Day 7: Spending the day wandering around town smashing pots in hopes of finding rupees.
Unemployment day 12: eating breakfast at 4:30 PM.
Unemployment day 14: drinking white Russians in a bathrobe while seriously considering getting an area rug to really tie the room together.
Unemployment day 16: My mom dropped by unannounced to see how I was doing and told me I look terrible, what a bitch.
Unemployment Day 22: Wandering out into the Forbidden Zone. I don’t give a shit about Dr. Zaius warning me that I won’t like what I’ll find.
Unemployment Day 29: My hair is long, I have a chin-pube beard that a 14-year-old could be proud of, and I’m growing a coke nail for no reason. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Unemployment day 36: “I can’t believe we drove around all day and there’s not a single job in this town. There’s nothin, nada, zip.” ”Yeah, unless you wanna work 40 hours a week. Pff.”
Unemployment day 37: I like going to bed with loose change in my pocket because then I wake up in a pile of money and the occasional guitar pick. Even better if it sticks to my skin, so I can pretend to be Smaug from The Hobbit with a glorious armor of quarters.
Unemployment day 41: Charles Shaw is the epitome of wine.
Unemployment day 44: I look like the human Winnie the Pooh. I’m eating honey straight out of a jar and I’m completely naked except for a small red t-shirt.
Unemployment day 47: How can I be expected to look for jobs when I’m publisher of the Yankee Review, French Club President, Model United Nations Russian delegate, Stamp & Coin Club vice-president, Debate Team captain, Lacrosse Team manager, Calligraphy Club president, Fencing Team captain, 2nd Chorale Choirmaster, Bombardment Society founder, Kung Fu Club yellow belt, Trap & Skeet Club founder, Rushmore Beekeepers president, Yankee Racers founder, and William C. Verburg Players director?
Unemployment Day 54: I went to the store today… http://vimeo.com/28501846
Unemployment Day 56: I totally look like a lesbian.
Unemployment Day 61: Anyone planning a bank robbery I can get in on? Or if you just have an extra few thousand bucks laying around, let me know.
Unemployment Day 63: I feel so unproductive. I only masturbated twice today.
Unemployment day 68: these sweats are comfortable. I mean REALLY comfortable. I think I’m just going to go ahead and only wear sweats for the rest of my life. That seems reasonable to me.
Unemployment Day 70: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZI4tp9ZMERI
Unemployment Day 75: I just made some bubble tea tapioca pearls…and ate them as a meal.
Unemployment Day 90: Kicking off month 4 with a positive turn of events. I have an interview in Portland on Monday.
Unemployment Day 116: In order to get out and socialize more, I’ve joined a new club. But I can’t talk about it.
Re-employment Day 4: a few months ago I was dealing with peoples’ private information and participating in interview panels I had no business being a part of. Now I’m getting yelled at for filling the Now & Laters before the Tootsie Rolls at a nickel arcade…
Re-Employment Day 10: My new roommates are really weird. They kind of look like me and they have all of these pictures of me from when I was a little kid. They even photoshopped some of them to make it look like they’re standing next to me or holding me and stuff. It’s fucking creepy. I don’t know if I made the best decision, you guys.
Re-Employment Day 16: It has been made abundantly clear that you HAVE to hate yourself to do this job. And I don’t want to hate myself anymore.
Unemployment Day 146: Uncle Frank won’t let me watch the movie, but the big kids can. It’s not even rated ‘R’. He’s just being a jerk.
Unemployment Day 149: My hair is legitimately starting to look like the Feral Kid's from The Road Warrior.
Unemployment Day 160: Biggs was right. I’m never gonna get out of here.