The family I’ve been house-sitting for told me that they’ve mentioned to their friends that I am “the best house-sitter ever.”
That is such an absurd thing to say. I mean, what amount of skill does house-sitting involve? The ability to sit and watch movies? The ability to eat other peoples’ food?
You know, now that I think about it, I am really good at those things.
Most people will scoff and talk all big about how easy it is to house-sit. But then ten minutes after they get there and realize they’re alone with a frog and a mouse and copies of all the books in the Twilight Saga, they get bored and want to do stuff like “go outside” or “socialize”. They are hella half-assing that shit. They’re all listening to the Kidz Bop version of All Star by Smashmouth when they could be listening to the real one.
I know how to goddamn house-sit like a motherfucking king. There ain’t nobody who can just sit on a couch and watch Direct TV better than me. And when it comes to eating food: I eat some, but not too much. You don’t want them to come home with their refrigerator all full of shit that wasn’t there when they left, because then you’re just an asshole. But you also don’t want it to be totally the same either because then it looks like you were never there. You have to eat just the right amount.
And considering I am more hermit-like than the grandfather in “Heidi”, I can…woah. Did you see what I did there? I just made myself seem 85 years old by throwing in a GD Shirley Temple movie reference. I might as well start talking about how much I love Horehound candy or how we shouldn’t get involved with the German takeover of the Sudetenland.
Boy, that Hindenburg sure looks like a great way to travel this time of year!