It has become popular in the past couple of years to become more “green”, that is, to keep the environment in mind when you throw your daily refuse away. There are all kinds of different snacks out there, and unfortunately many of them come in plastic mylar bags that end up sitting in landfills and on top of pelicans’ heads forever because they don’t agree with the natural order of things.
But there’s one company that is forward thinking enough to consider the pelicans. And that is when I discovered this bag in my pantry.
Garden Salsa Sun Chips
Showboating about having the world’s first 100% compostable bag is cool and all (and you are showboating when you take up 1/3 of the fucking bag to tell me that this shit is going to melt back into the earth from whence it came), but the one thing they don’t tell us is that by creating this bag, they also violated every single noise ordinance on record.
This bag is goddamn loud.
Gone are the late nights of tip-toeing to the pantry to sneak a little “healthy” snack while everyone else sleeps. You will now wake up entire neighborhoods as soon as you lay a finger on this bag.
Seriously, go to the store real quick and just poke a finger at it. Do it gently though because you will be so surprised by the whip-crack in your ears that you might faint or something.
I even used this bag instead of fireworks on the 4th of July this year because I’m poor. I just held it up in the air and crinkled it and waved it around. The neighbors who were shooting off m-80s even called the cops on me, it was so loud. Then when the cops showed up, I fucking crushed the bag and stomped on it and they fell down with their ears bleeding as I ran away. It was the best 4th of July ever.
Oh, and the chips are pretty good too.
All lies. No cops were called. But man, those bags. I bought them to pack in my lunch once and everymorning i couldn’t bring myself to open the bag to pack them because i thought i’d wake the neighbors that were 3 stories above me.
No lies. I was house sitting in another neighborhood, so it wasn’t on our street.