[NOTE: This is the log of one operative, codenamed TK-421 in his investigation to discover information pertaining to the de-evolution of the Star Wars universe. And most importantly, how and why George Lucas lost his mind in the 20 years between The Empire Strikes Back and The Phantom Menace and the contributing factors that led to this. We suggest listening to this song on repeat while reading this. Preferably near a window while it rains, or during the wee hours of the morning.]
First Entry – Year 33 ABY:4:16
I have seen many things in my travels over the past 15 years. T-16s bulls-eyeing Womp Rats in Beggars Canyon on Tattooine, the Millennium Falcon making the Kessel Run in under 12 parsecs, siblings “accidentally” making out with each other.
I have learned that size matters not when it comes to something as mysterious as the all powerful Force.
And I’ve learned that we are luminous beings, not this crude matter.
I have seen many things…
I travel alone now. Along with my ship, I bring only supplies to last me the duration of this investigation. Due to the undercover nature of my employment to [redacted], my true name and whereabouts cannot be disclosed.
But it is with great curiosity that I embark on this journey for the truth. If it is the will of The Force, then it must be done.
I don’t really remember how this obsession started. I guess I was always aware of the Galaxy Far Far Away, but it really began during my 4th primary year at the academy around the year 18 ABY (After the Battle of Yavin). A newly remastered version of the Trilogy had just been released on VHS, the book ‘Shadows of the Empire’ was becoming a massive hit, and George Lucas was gearing up for the Special Editions and Prequels. It was a good time for Star Wars.
Before the dark times…before the Empire.
Usually, when I get into one of these phases, I end up just watching all the movies and then checking out Wookieepedia. But this time, for some reason, it was different. This time, my interest wasn’t sparked by a sudden urge to watch the films. This time, I was inspired by the opposite: a holodisc depicting a scathing 9-part review of Episode II: Attack of the Clones by a wise Jedi Master named Harry Plinkett. Master Plinkett has a few problems with women and murder and pizza rolls, but his wisdom is surpassed by no other.
The Force works in mysterious ways.
[NOTE: Watch his 7 part review of Episode 1: The Phantom Menace too. Both of them are entirely worth the time. Plus, you might get a pizza roll out of it.]
I should address the fact that I saw every one of the Star Wars prequels on opening day. I was in my 6th year at the academy when The Phantom Menace was released. My mother took me and a friend of mine to see it after a short school day. I had previously been so excited for this movie, that I bought the novelization (in hardcover) and read it in the week beforehand because I just couldn’t wait. In fact, I bought the novelizations of all 3 prequels. This was, of course, followed by the various videogames, visual dictionaries, and action figures churned out by the great merchandising machine that is Lucasfilm.
So while most of my classmates were just beginning to study the art of wizardry at Hogwarts, I quietly sat in the corner and mocked them for waving around their pathetic little wands. The power to fly around on a broom is no match for the power of The Force. I found their lack of faith disturbing. Good against a muggle is one thing, good against one skilled with a lightsaber is another. Their ways were nothing but a bunch of simple tricks and nonsense.
Then, 6 years later, came Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. The one we had all been waiting for.
A good friend of mine and I pitched a tent immediately after school that day and endured 9 hours of torrential rainfall while we awaited patiently. During breaks in the weather, I ventured out with my video camera in one hand to document the spectacle and ask other friends of mine, also in line, questions retarding this epic saga and their feelings about its conclusion. In my other hand, I carried my $120 replica of Darth Vader’s lightsaber. You know…for defense and such. Everyone else in line was armed and I felt I should be as well.
But I didn’t possess then the wisdom that I do now. What I didn’t know at the time was that I was being taken for a fool by the forces of evil. The Dark Side was having its way with both myself and many others; a fact that dawned on me slowly over the course of the next 5 years. The fact that every time I watched the prequel trilogy, something felt more and more “wrong” about them.
“It was as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced.”
So how did I go from all of that to now: desiring to sell my prequel DVDs away for but a handful of galactic credits? This is a question I will hope to answer in subsequent entries into this log.
May The Force be with you.
TK-421