FoodBlog #7: God Help Us.

This is not a normal FoodBlog.

This is not a write up about some amazing confection that you should immediately shove down your gullet. In fact, this is the opposite.

This is what happens when one of your roommates acts like a 10 year old baby and hides some delicious cookies from everybody and forgets about them.

Then, a year later when he’s out of town, I reach around in the cupboard to find a Tupperware container to put my beans in and instead lay my hands upon this:

oh fuck

Yes. Yes, that used to be a box of delicious Kirkland Signature double nut, oatmeal, and chocolate chunk cookies (according to the label). But after a year sitting in a dark cupboard, the cookies somehow merged into a single formation of cat shit looking goo.
It’s baffling to me how one of the most appetizing things in the world can turn in to such an abortion, but this proves it is possible.

This reminds me of the great episode of Cowboy Bebop where Spike is trying to catch that weird alien thing that’s on their ship, and then remembers at the end that he had caught a lobster a year earlier and kept it in a refrigerator in the storage room. But when he opens the fridge, the entire inside of it is this unrecognizable mess, so he has to open the airlock to let it the fuck out into space.

I wish I had a fucking airlock in my house to let this thing out of, because I made the mistake of opening the container to take that picture, and the smell almost made me lose control of my bowels. You would think that the worst smell possible would come from rotting meat, but if you leave anything around for long enough, it will smell like roadkill. I seriously almost passed out.

And at the end of the day, this is just a huge injustice to cookies. What did they ever do to deserve that? They started out as something that makes people happy, and through negligence, have turned into something that causes pain and tears and sudden infant death syndrome.

I feel so bad that I’m starting a charity to help bring attention to this kind of cookie abuse around America. I know we have fallen on harsh financial times, but every little bit helps. So if you have a dollar or 5 or 400, please make your donation to me personally and I will see to it that no cookie is ever mistreated like this again.

Thank you, and God bless America.

p.s.
this is definitely NOT a trick to try and get you to give me money for rent. You’re a terrible person for thinking that.