‘Twilight’ is Retarded

Have you ever sat there on your couch on some idle Tuesday, maybe eating a whole box of Oreos, and thought to yourself: “God damn. Someone really needs to write a book about a high school chick who’s sort of a loner that moves to a new town and finds herself flung into a forbidden love affair with a cute boy who turns out to be a vampire.”

Yeah, me neither. But there are about 4 million fat and/or stupid chicks between the ages of 9 and 30 who did, so now there is a movie being released based on this steaming pile of shit that’s being passed off as a book.

I have never read any of the Twilight books, but I know they suck. Mainly because a shitload of chicks read them, and when that many chicks like something, it is made of shit. Sex and the City, Grey’s Anatomy, musicals, etc. This list could go on forever, but I almost made myself barf while writing that stuff since it sucks so hard. It’s like a simple math equation. 1 + 1 = 2. If the number of vaginas that like something exceeds 1 million, then the thing that they like equals shitty.

I looked up the plot of this book on Wikipedia and I honestly thought that someone put up a fake synopsis of it as a joke. But then I went to Amazon and it was almost identical. Really? Glittery vampires? This limp-dick story has really become “the next Harry Potter“? Is the only thing a person has to do to become a successful writer is write about what little kids and fatties would like to imagine that their lives could be like?

“Oh pooh! Don’t be such a spoilsport Cody. Women of exquisite girth most certainly are not the only ones who enjoy this compelling tale of young love.”

Wrong. Every time I have seen someone reading one of these books in the wild, be it downtown or at work or the fucking receptionist at the hospital when I got my appendix taken out, it has been some fatty who has to shop at Torrid because her Wiccan ass won’t fit into a normal pair of jeans. The only exception is in the case of dumb chicks, but they always end up fat at some point so it doesn’t really count.

I would write more on the subject, but I’m working on writing a musical about an independent career woman who is a doctor and who loves buying shoes in glamorous New York City, but then she falls in love with a mysterious man named Vick that she meets at a swanky party by accidentally spilling her drink on him (how clumsy of her!!). Vick tells her that he is gay, but that he loves her so much that he has turned straight which makes her love him even more. But nobody knows that they are so in love because he is secretly a ghost and she is the only one who can see him. But then the Coven of Ghosts tells him that this relationship is unacceptable so he dumps the woman. So then she gets depressed, cries, finds out that her true friends are the ones who were always there for her, and eats lots of ice cream and Oreos while sitting on her couch watching The Notebook. But then Vick decides that he loves her too much to let the Coven of Ghosts dictate his life and so he comes back to her. Then he says something romantic like “You complete me” and then she says “You had me at hello” and they run away together and live forever.

This will be the biggest hit that the world has ever seen. But while you are anxiously waiting for it to be complete so you can get in line to have passionate intercourse with me, don’t go see Twilight. That shit is retarded.

[UPDATE:  I wrote a sequel to Twilight instead. Here it is.]