I want to move back home.

I just moved out of my parents house a couple days ago into a new house in a smaller, more boring town that the one I came from. I have three roommates though and they are all cool, so that makes up for the general shittiness of a small town. This is the second night I will be sleeping in my new house, but I will probably sleep very little. Not because we are having fun, but because one of my roommates and I just got attacked…

Just minutes ago, “B” and I were sitting in the sheet fort he and the others built a couple weeks ago in our living room, just innocently watching The Office on DVD. All of a sudden, he sits up straight and says

“Dude, I just saw a spider run across the blanket.”

I immediately freak the fuck out and jump up and yell

“What?! Where the fuck is it?!”

“It just went under the blanket by your feet!”

“Oh shit!”

I jumped up and switched on the light as he pulled the blanket away to reveal a fucking HUGE spider sitting there.

“Your shoe is right there, kill it quick!”

“No! I-I don’t want to. I can’t.”

“You have to! I hate spiders and your shoe is right there!

“I hate spiders too!”

He finally picked up his shoe and shoved it down onto the spider as hard as he could, killing it. But he is also scared of dead spiders for some reason and made me go get a tissue to pick it up. After I flushed it down the toilet, I walk back to the living room fort and poke my head through the sheets and half jokingly asked:

“Are there any more?”

The smile that had formed on B’s face after the successful killing of the spider quickly faded and his eyes got wide.

“THERE’S ACTUALLY ONE RIGHT NEXT TO YOUR HEAD!”

“Yeah right.”

“No! I’m totally serious!”

I looked to my left and proceeded to freak the fuck out again when I saw an identical spider to the first one standing on the sheet next to my face.

“HOLY FUCK!”

“Dude, you have to kill this one since I did the last one.”

“NO! OK. Let me get my shoes.”

I got my shoes and after a bit of back and forth regarding how I should do the bastard in, we decided it would be best if I put my shoes on my hands and essentially clap as hard as I can around the spider, then rub my hands together as if I was trying to warm them up on a cold winter morning in order to make sure the motherfucker was good and dead.

“I can’t do this!  You count it off!”

On three, I smashed my hands together as hard as I could and killed it. After getting another tissue and disposing of it, we realized that it’s juices had stained the sheets.  But they are one of our other roommates’ sheets and he is out of town, so fuck trying to clean it up.

After this, I refused to stay in that room any longer and went to my room where I am writing this now. I have checked my whole room for lurkers, but don’t see any.  And I’m keeping a BB gun nearby just in case.

For some reason, B decided to still sleep in the fort despite what happened. Some might call this brave, but I call it stupid. I am fully expecting to find a bloody skeleton laying out in my living room tomorrow morning after an army of huge spiders have a delicious human meal throughout the night.

P.S.
The first night I stayed here, the night before last, I was woken up by various police sirens and loud crashes, which I found out earlier today had been caused by a drunk man who broke into a police car GTA style and fucking sped around town blaring the siren and crashing into parked cars. The real cops eventually caught him, like an hour later, and nobody was hurt. But what the fuck man. Luckily, this isn’t a dry town anymore. I am going to need to drown myself in booze if I expect to get any peace and quiet.